Dear Real Housewives of New Jersey:
Look, last year was great. It really was. But things are different this year, and there are some things I want to talk to you about that are bothering me that I think you can work on.
1. If I have to hear Teresa brag one more time about all the sex she's having with her greasy goombah bankrupt husband, I'm going to throw some ham at the TV. And we all know how Caroline feels about people throwing ham.
2. And while we're on the topic of Teresa, if there's any way to get her hairline a little further away from her eyebrows, I would really appreciate it.
3. And in a similar but opposite note, why don't you take the space needed for Teresa's forehead from Danielle's, because she has some stretched-taut room to spare.
4. Danielle: you are crazy. Not only for the obvious reasons, but also because when you threaten to take your business away from a local boutique, you say "they'll miss my money." Um. I thought you couldn't afford to fix up your house to sell it? How much money are you spending on clothes? Could it perhaps be better spent on, you know, your crumbling ceilings? I feel like Danielle's beyond professional psychological help here, but there's nothing here that a good financial planner couldn't fix.
5. Caroline. You do not have an empty nest. Because ALL THREE of your ADULT CHILDREN live at home. Stop crying about it. Maybe use that time instead to think about where you might have led them astray since, you know, they're over 18 and LIVING AT HOME.
6. And while we're on the topic of adult children on this show, why are they all useless? And why are their parents surprised that they're so useless? I mean, someone had to raise them, right?
7. Jacqueline needs to find something to do. Besides complain about Danielle.
8. Actually, that goes for everyone.
9. In conclusion, I miss Grandma Wrinkles.
New Jersey, you're no NYC, but I want to love you. I hope we can make it work.